Consider the times when:
You get into an intense fight with a woman. Have you ever tried to take back something nasty you blurted out to a woman? It’s impossible; they never forget.
You’re in a high-stakes discussion with the boss. Perception is king, so surrendering even an ounce of emotion is playing right into his hands.
You’re the fresh recipient of an insult barbed to incite your rage. Overreacting is the same as admitting it’s true, whether your response is a sad comeback or a punch to the face.
Learning to pull yourself together and gain control over these emotions and actions before they bury you -- before you’re full of regret and wondering how you’ll apologize -- is the aim of the following four steps.Learn how to pull yourself together so that you don’t undo in a moment what took weeks, months or years to build.
Physically distract yourself
Since emotions are overthrowing your better judgment, the first step necessary to pull yourself together is the most crucial. As your blood starts to boil, take immediate action. Create a physical distraction to detach yourself from your rising emotions. Bite your cheek or your tongue, pinch yourself, dig a fingernail into your side; find some way to stem the tide. The key is not so much to remind yourself of what you need to do, but to jar your senses back to a manageable level, a level that grants you some measure of reasonable thought.
Whatever physical distraction you choose , make it subtle. Head-butting a wall or slamming a door on your fingers will only make you look like an unstable psycho.
Remove yourself with dignity
What does it mean to remove yourself from a situation with dignity? It means playing the “good manners” card. People have a difficult time questioning anything you say or do if you do it politely, so at this step excuse yourself for a moment. There’s no need to explain your actions; just do it without waiting for a response.
For example, if you are in a heated discussion with the boss or you were just on the receiving end of an insult, muster up a civil tone, crack the smallest little smile and say, “Would you excuse me for a moment? I’ll be right back.” Not only does it beat running out of the room in tears, but it also puts you in a position of control over your emotions and over the situation.
Return with a rational mindset
While you’re away from the situation, you can pull yourself together by working on a goal to pursue on your return.
Calm yourself down and achieve a rational mindset, one you can bring back into the situation. In this case, a detached, impersonal mindset can operate above the fray. Your cool indifference will serve you best if you don’t try to resolve a situation that you know cannot be resolved without putting some time between it and any decision or action you might take.
Wrap it up
Bring this situation to a close -- even if it means postponing the issue and not resolving it. Resolution is a fantastic thing, but it is exceedingly rare and not something you can depend upon.
So, to pull yourself together, wrap up the exchange that provoked your emotions and brought you -- and possibly your adversary -- to the brink. You have acquired a measure of control by politely excusing yourself, and you have armed yourself with a rational mindset, so now is the time to leverage those power sources by enforcing your will on this exchange.
By being the one to shut down this confrontation, you come full circle: You began this experience by getting crushed under a wave of emotions that sought to dictate your behavior. Having taken steps to pull yourself together, you end it in the very best way -- in control of your emotions and of the situation that tried to influence them.
By Ross Bonander
-Stress Management Specialist-
